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Mary Sue Sings

<Kate enters from stage right, carrying a bar stool and a guitar. She walks to center stage where she sets down the stool and sits on it, then spends a few moments tuning the guitar. Jack enters from stage left.>

Jack: What? No microphone?

Kate: Microphones are for pussies.  I sing un-mic'd.

Jack: Of course you do.

Kate: It's a matter of voice projection.

Jack: Of course it is.

Kate: Jack, the title is 'Mary Sue Sings'.  You're not the Mary Sue, so shut up and let me sing.

Jack: Go right ahead.

Kate: <sings with feeling> 

If I wanted to, I could do anything right, 

I could dance with the devil on a Saturday night

Jack: By 'devil', do you mean 'Methos'?

Kate: No, Jack. Methos is 'Death'. Don't you ever pay attention?

Jack: I'm canon; I don't have to pay attention. <thinks> Actually, it's canon that I don't pay attention. Sorry, Red.

Kate: <ignores Jack>
If I wanted to I could turn matches to gold
I could smoke, drink, swear, and I would never grow old

Jack: <snorts> You're the Immortal OFC. Of course you don't grow old.

Kate:
I wouldn't have to give my best lines to you

Jack: You give up lines to me? Since when?

Kate: Do you mind? I'm emoting here.

Jack: Oh, like that's new.

Kate:
If I wanted to I could run fast as a train

Jack: Okay, now that's just dumb. Immortals have super-speed now, do they?

Kate: Keep talkin' Alien Arm-Band Boy.

Jack: Uh...okay.  You got a point.

Kate:
Have legions of groupies calling my name

Jack: Uh, you mean in fic, right? Cause I don't think...

Kate: <stops playing the guitar long enough to remove a shoe and throw it at Jack. He ducks>
If I wanted to I could turn mountains to sand
Have all the plot lines in the palm of my hand
I wouldn't have to play second-fiddle to you...

If I only wanted to

Jack: Uh...I don't play the fiddle at all.

Kate: <ignoring him>
I could be the star tonight

And I would shine damn bright
Stop holding back
If I wanted to
If I only wanted to

Jack: Wow. Mary Sues really are obnoxious, aren't they?

Kate:
If I wanted to I could be as patient as Death

Jack: Okay, now we're talking about Methos. And speaking of Mary Sues... is there anything that guy can't do?

Kate: Well he can't sing worth a damn, for one...

Jack: I hear he dances, though.

Kate: Don’t get me started.

Kill all the bad guys without breaking a sweat
If I wanted to I could turn sparks into ice
There'd never be another woman who could make you think twice

Jack: Bad news, Red. This is a slash household. I don't spend all much time thinking about women now.

Kate:

Jack: Weren't there too many syllables in that first line?

Kate: Wow, you counted that high?

Jack: Ah-ah-ah <wagging finger>, only the canon characters get to make fun of my intelligence. It's in my contract. <he smirks and she smirks back>

<Lights dim, Kate stands, picks up bar stool, shoulders the guitar and walks off stage right -- with a slight limp, since she's missing a shoe. Jack looks around to see if anyone's watching, then does his air guitar rendition of Jimmy Hendrix playing the Star Spangled Banner until the stage goes completely black.>